All Of This

When I was younger I used to sit in my room and listen.
I always knew when it was going to get ugly because my mom would walk into my room and tell me to close my door.

I wonder if they knew that no slab of ivory-painted wood would keep their heated words from going through our paper thin walls and into my ears.

I wonder if they truly know how much I've heard.

Sometimes I'd cry into my pillow at night so that no one heard me, but deep down inside I secretly wished that someone, anyone, would walk into my room and comfort me. But no one ever came.

I used to never understand why my brother and sister always argued with our mom and step-dad but as I grow older it's all getting clearer. Our mom and step-dad get so angry over the littlest things...I think it's because they're unhappy.

Neither of them planned for a life like this. Both of them used to be just a kid, like me. They pictured themselves as happy, successful grown-ups living the American Dream. They deserve a happier ending than the one that they ended up with.

Even though as the three of us get older, everything mellows out. There's a lot less yelling and arguing...you could even say that things are almost, almost close to being normal. But sometimes, every once in a while someone will blow up and a fight begins, except this time instead of simply listening, I find myself being a part of it. I just...don't like the pain that sorrow brings.

I'm sorry, this is weird. I don't really know why I'm writing this. I guess I want to talk. My family doesn't talk or dicuss anything rationally, they only yell and during arguments emotions run high. I don't want pity or sympathy or anything of the sort, I just don't want to fight or yell or anything anymore. I want to talk.

...I need to stop writing like this, I'm sorry again, for my weird little vent. This is what happens when I'm alone too long, my thoughts wander into the restricted corners of my mind.

This is a really long entry...sorry.

But one last thing.

To Wavery Smithers, I really hope you read this.

You're pure sunshine. I mean a day without you is a day in the dark.
You're bright and bubbly and have the ability to put a smile on anyone's face.
I could go on forever about how amazing you are, truly, I could but I'll save that for when I write in your make-shift yearbook.

Anyway...you going away if hard for everyone; Kumquat, Rachelle, me, and I know it's definitely hard on you too. But I want you to know that I think you going to the new school next year is the right thing.

I would jump through hoops if that would make you stay and you mean so much to me, so it isn't that I want you to go but I want you to be happy.
You need to do what you want, it's your life and you need to do what makes you happy.

One of the best secret agents I know wrote something to me a few days ago. She told me that she would love me forever and always and then for infinity.
So, I'm going to make a promise to her now. That I'll love her forever and always and then for infinity also.

And I pinky promise that no matter where life takes us we will always be friends.
I hope you remember one thing:
The people around us may influence our lives, but they do not control them. We are in control of our own lives.
So don't let anyone tell you thast just because you're farther away that you can't keep your old friends. It's up to you to decide wether you want to keep us around or not.
(But I mean, come on, who wouldn't want to keep *us around? We're like the coolest kids ever :D)

Love,
009

P.S. I'm also saving the cornier and more sentimental things for your make-shift yearbook... :p

* When I say 'us' I mean our group :p